Dealing with Rejection: Part 2

Last month I shared part one of my Matters of the Heart Collection: Dealing with Rejection at an online event with the Adam Meet Eve Dating Agency. It was truly a heart-warming experiencing sharing some of the things I have learned along the way in my personal journey in dealing with rejection. We were able to talk, share and give practical advice on how we can guard our hearts from the effects that rejection can have on us.

One of the other facilitators of the event Joy shared such a valid point which has led me to write ‘Dealing with Rejection: part two”. She said ‘in dealing with rejection we have to ensure that our hearts are not bitter’. This reminded me about a very significant moment in my journey dealing with rejection when I made the decision to go back to counselling to help me process my emotions through a very difficult time in my life.

Don’t let your heart be bitter

My first week back in therapy, my counsellor asked me ‘what has made you want to come back to counselling’ I simply stated ‘I don’t want to be another bitter black women battling things in my 40’s that I should have dealt with in my 20’s’.

Without me even knowing this exact statement lead me down a relentless pursuit of healing my heart and my emotions from the pain and effects of rejection. I unapologetically took the time I needed to revaluate myself and be honest with the feelings I was carrying in my heart such as resentment and bitterness that stemmed from rejection that I needed to desperately work through.

Part of my battle with bitterness is that I felt absolutely justified in feeling the way I felt and at times I just wanted to be left alone in my feelings. But always, during those moments somewhere in the back of my mind I still had the phrase ‘don’t be another bitter black woman’ ringing relentlessly in my head and a sense of determination would arise in me to press on with taking the time to work on me.

I am assuming many of us know what I mean when I refer to the saying ‘another bitter black woman’? In my community you wouldn’t have to look far to find a mature black woman whose whole being has been bent out of shape due to the traumas, hurts and pains they have had to go through and endure over the years. Unfortunately due to the commonality of this and the lack of emotional healing that takes place when dealing with real life difficulties, black women have gained a reputation of being hard and bitter. Something that I found I could so easily drift into if I didn’t take responsibility to heal and do what it takes to guard my heart from allowing such things to be planted and grow in me over time.

There were moments in counselling where the intensity of the sessions and the rawness of the pain, hurt and emotions I was feeling were crushing and the temptation to quit and sit in my pain was overwhelming and to me at the time a somewhat reasonable response to all I was feeling.

It took me some time to realise that the effects of rejection such as bitterness and resentment wasn’t something that was going to be eradicated overnight but it was to be a daily process of letting go, changing the way I thought about things and choosing to forgive.

Forgiveness

In deciding that I didn’t want bitterness to reside my heart this also meant that I needed to forgive not just those who have hurt me but myself also. I had to release myself from the condemnation of guilt for the mistakes that I have made that have not just impacted myself but others also. I had to forgive myself for expecting others to accept me when I had in fact rejected parts of me and as my boss Dr Sara-Jayne shared I also had to learn how to reject other peoples rejection of me.

When it came to forgiving those who have caused me much pain and distress from their rejection of me, I had to learn how to walk this through daily with God and weekly in therapy. There were times right at the start of that journey where I couldn’t even mutter the words to forgive others, it was painful and my heart was riddled with much grief but as time went on those thoughts and hearts desires to forgive turned into mumbles and eventually words that I meant with my whole being.

It was a process and I learned that sometimes forgiveness takes time to work through and that’s okay, it’s personal, it’s raw and it can take great courage and vulnerability to forgive.

As time went on I couldn’t deny the effect this was having on my heart, every day the feeling of freedom from the weight that rejection once had on me began to lift and the scars that once surrounded my heart began to heal. I truly learnt how to forgive myself and forgive others too, I realised choosing to forgive wasn’t about them, choosing to forgive was about me, my life, my growth and my freedom.